Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
