i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
