I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
