I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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