checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
