Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
