woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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