He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
