When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
