Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
