woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize