someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't deserve a penis
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
