I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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