apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
