it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize