my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
