my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
