there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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