i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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