I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
