A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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