did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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