Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
