I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
