I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
zippers are such a cool invention
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
