During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
