so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
