After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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