Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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