I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
