Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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