I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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