I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
