im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
