I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
