are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
