The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
