why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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