Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
