I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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