This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
