I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
