he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
