She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
