You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
