I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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