it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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