i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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