she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
