did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
