If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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