I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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