I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
