I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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