I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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