so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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