Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize