I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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