I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize