So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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