that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize